Baphomet - Exgaudebo

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

Hello! I'm Exgaudebo, and I created this website shortly after accepting the Law of Thelema.

I was raised in a Lutheran Church where I had a child's faith and developed a deep love for choir music like Handel's Messiah—which I still sing to myself in awe. Throughout my childhood I was also often exposed to other relatives' religion: a more Eastern approach from the Movement for Spiritual Inner Awareness (MSIA). In fact, it was MSIA's seminar called Teen Insight (a self-esteem workshop for teens) that helped me realize that being Gay was completely normal and okay.

I left the Lutheran Church at 16 when I came out of the closet, and became an atheist for a time. But a decade later, I realized atheism no longer described me, even though I still couldn’t name a spiritual home that felt right. I thought about going back to the Lutheran Church for the familiarity but I really wasn't a Christian anymore. MSIA would have welcomed me should I have decided that was my path, but despite being the influence that informed my personal theology and cosmology the most it still didn't feel like *MY* path...

In 2016 I discovered Freemasonry and was immediately drawn to the thoughtful conversations on philosophy, theology, and cosmology—shared by Brothers who brought diverse perspectives and respected one another in the process. Not every Mason is like that, of course, but I was lucky to find a Lodge that was exactly what I needed. While Freemasonry isn’t a religion, it became a sacred space for me—a place of ritual, reflection, and community. And yet, I still found myself searching for *my* religion...

As 2026 will mark a decade for me in Freemasonry (I’ve served as Worshipful Master of both of my Blue Lodges and had the honor of serving in the Grand Lodge across multiple years), I can say The Craft has given me invaluable exposure to countless life-paths and belief systems. I even heard whispers of Aleister Crowley and his belief system, but much of it flew over my head at that time...

All that changed in late 2024 / early 2025, when a simple question about the Unicursal Hexagram led me down a rabbit hole that only opened wider as it was named: ΘΕΛΗΜΑ! At nearly every turn, it felt like Thelema was made for me—and where it might not be, I found rich food for thought, not dogma to ignore. As David Shoemaker writes in the opening of Living Thelema: “Give me wonder and mystery, but don’t make me check my brain at the door.” That’s what I had longed for, and finally found.

On January 30th, 2025, I began creating my Outer Magical Name and designing a personal Holy Seal in two forms.

On February 22nd, 2025, I performed a self-initiation that activated my Magical Name and Holy Seals.

Below you'll find more details about my Name, Seals, and Beliefs.

Why write about my beliefs? Because if only one fellow seeker reads my beliefs and realizes (regardless of how our beliefs align or don't) that they are not alone... it will have been worth it.

Why reveal my Name and Seals? Because this is my *Outer* Magical Name and Holy Seals. I will take on others in the future, which will remain private. But these are meant to be seen and understood. They don’t lose power when revealed—they gain power. Their energy overflows. Whether you realize it or not, my Magical Name and Seals will cause you to rejoice—in your own way. That joy, especially when aligned with the Great Work, amplifies the good in everything around you and throughout the world—including in me, my Name, and Seals.

So REJOICE!

REJOICE in yourself to the benefit everyone and everything around you!

Love is the law, love under will.

MY MAGICAL NAME

My full name is Exgaudebo Lux Occulta Nihili - that's Latin for "I Will Rejoice from the Concealed Light of Nothing," and is shortened as XGDBLON.

Exgaudebo Lux Occulta Nihili = 499
499 = Columba Silentii in Longinquo - "The Dove of Silence in the Far Place"
XGDBLON = 219 = 660

Exgaudebo - "I Will Rejoice (from)" - is my first name and is shortened as XGDB or X.

Exgaudebo = 156 = BABALON
XGDB = 69 = 510
X = 10 = 60

Lux Occulta Nihili - "The Concealed Light of Nothing" - is my Magical 'Family' name which pays homage to TWO:

That Sacred Goddess of Transformation, Lust, and Liberation: BABALON
The Brother who has been the catalyst to my spiritual awakening, who has taught me so much because he makes me laugh and because I see myself in him: LON Milo DuQuette

MY HOLY SEALS

in forma ultima

In its "ultimate" form my seal is displayed in full detail.
CDXVIII = 418 = ABRAHADABRA = Accomplishment of the Great Work
Thelemic Unicursal Hexagram across from the Square and Compasses as they are both important to me as systems of self exploration and improvement whereby one might find the tools to accomplish the Great Work.
Outer Ring of Latin Text:
- "Sigillum Sanctum, Unde Exgaudebo: Nomen Et Via Laetitiae"
- "The Holy Seal, Whereby I Will Rejoice: The Name and Path of Joy"
Large Letters within the Star of BABALON:
- XGDBLON - The abbreveation of my Full Magical Name.
Small Text within the Star of BABALON beginning at the large X. The First letter of each word spells my full Magical Name:

Exgaudebo Lux Occulta Nihili

E.X.G.A.U.D.E.B.O.L.U.X.O.C.C.U.L.T.A.N.I.H.I.L.I.

Within the Star of BABALON a circumpunct to for the Union of Nuit and Hadit in me, mystically represented as BAPHOMET. The circular text within the circumpunct a random shuffling of the letters of my full name.
The circumpunt embordered by THELEMA and AGAPE - that is to say: embordered by my Highest Purpose and A Universal / Unifying Love.
Above the circumpunct: CCXX = 220 = The Book of the Law
Above the Book of the Law - "The Dove of Silence in the Far Place" - a nod to the 499 of my name but also to honor the divine messengers that have given us our Holy Books.

in forma occulta

In its "hidden" form, my seal still carries ALL of the meaning and symbolism of its more detailed counterpart, however its lines are made BOLD and its form slightly altered.
The Dove and Book of the Law are transformed into a Large V.
V = The Hierophant
V = 5 = 6
The center of the circumpunct is transformed into an X.
X = The Wheel Of Fortune
X = 10 = 60
The X is also the most concise way to write my Magical Name, as the Seal in its "hidden" form is the most concise way to draw my Holy Seal.
The X in a circle represents solar and spiritual force in a state of inner balance.
The Large V and small x together as Vx (Era Legis) represent the year that I accepted the Law of Thelema.
- - Vx = (5x22)+10 = 120 years since the Equinox of the Gods (March 1904)
  - 1904+120 = 2024-2025 (Era Vulgaris)

MY BELIEFS

For years I described my spiritual beliefs as a form of agnosticism... I did believe in a higher power, but I was reticent to try to name it or describe it because I simply didn't feel like I was capable of doing that... On one occasion, when pressed to give a name to my higher power, I named it "Love."

That has been an answer that seems to be understandable to others, but to me it felt reductive and vague... like the way you might describe a master-work of painting when only given but the briefest glimpses of the finished canvas... the answer is true, the description valid, but they only describe the surface level of what we're examining.

And as I describe to you how my beliefs WERE and now ARE... know that I do expect that my beliefs will change or develop in the future. This is just a snapshot in time: ☉︎ in 2° ♈︎ : ☽︎ in 9° ♑︎ : ♄︎ : Ⅴⅹⅰ (3/22/25 E.V.). I look forward to rereading this in the years to come and seeing just where those developments have found a home in me.

Before proceeding further, I must give thanks:

to L. L. and J. E., for their interest in religion and spirituality; for following their own spiritual paths, offering their insights, and always encouraging me in my pursuits of the same.
to E.A., M.B., L.D., A.G., Z.K., J.K., M.M., D.M., D.P., J.P., B.P., J.S., R.W., who have each been instrumental to helping me find my way to Thelema.
to Uncle AL - say what you will, but he sure left a lot of food for thought…

Should you find any of my thoughts insightful, I would be delighted to chat with you about them. However, please examine these thoughts carefully before you adopt any of them as your own.

Conversely, if you find any of them problematic, worrisome, for naught, etc. *AND* despite those findings you are still capable of respecting my beliefs, I would WELCOME a conversation with you. My beliefs can withstand respectful questioning.

Lastly:

If you are not doing the Great Work yourself…
If you want to warn me away from Crowley and Thelema without having done your research…
If you want to tell me what I believe is not what I have written here…
If you want me to answer for other Thelemites (Aleister Crowley and Jack Parsons included)...
If you want to tell me that I’m doing Thelema “wrong…”

(...why on earth are you reading this!?! - but anyway…)

… FUCK OFF!

This page is not for you... Go watch Wayne’s World - It's Party Time! Excellent! - That’ll cheer you up. I promise.

Moving on...

Please allow me to refer you to the Creed of EGC as it is the best outline for us to examine my current beliefs; additionally, please allow me to refer you to this Examination of the Creed written by Helena and Tau Apiryon which is well crafted and worthy of a detailed reading.

The Secret & Ineffable LORD

How fitting for someone who struggled to describe God that I find a tradition where the ultimate aspects of the divine are considered SECRET and INEFFABLE! To me this makes so much sense. Regardless of how much we can analyze the works of God and all of Creation... how could we ever know the mind of the NOTHINGNESS of God that came before all creation?! And of course, even the words "nothingness" or "nothing" do not do the LORD justice - for it describes the Divine Nothing but in simple act of naming it Nothing we've given it Something...

And so it is that I believe in One God. One Secret and Ineffable LORD, from who All of Creation is an emanation or reflection.

On a smaller scale, I think the Secret and Ineffable LORD can describe every Man and every Woman who are sovereign Stars unto themselves and whose inner-selves are secret and ineffable (to the outside world) just as our LORD is.

One Star in the Company of Stars

I really like how many different ways this portion of the creed could be understood: as a literal reference to Sol; as a reference to that Divine Star the Secret & Ineffable LORD from whom we all emanate; and also as a reference to each of us Men and Women.

I believe that all of the physical matter on earth comes from Sol and the celestial events that played out at the direction of Sol's Will; just as I believe that all of the spiritual matter on all planes of existences come from the Secret and Ineffable LORD.

I believe that Every Man and Every Woman is a Single Solitary Star, an embodiment of Hadit, united in the vast expanse that is the Body of Nuit. This divine union creates the Company of Stars that we interact in throughout our lives. Sometimes we shine by ourselves, other times we form into brilliant constellations with other Stars who have aligned their Wills.

One Father of Life

I believe in one Father of Life or in One Father God who is the expression of the Divine Masculine and known by the name CHAOS. He is the active, solar, force that, like Hadit, represents motion - ceaseless and overflowing energy to DO, to BE, to CREATE.

We can observe our Father CHAOS at work throughout the world, and we can see his work in our individual lives.

I feel that we often ascribe a negative connotation to the word 'chaos,' but I believe that CHAOS is neither good nor evil, it simply is.

I also believe that Father CHAOS is not acting upon our lives to make them "more chaotic," he causes us to ACT with passion - though when we act passionately but out-of-alignment with our Wills, our lives DO become "more chaotic." It is when we are inspired to act passionately by Father CHAOS *and* we act in accordance with our Wills that we see: ORDO AB ΧΑΟΣ.

One Mother of us All

I believe in one Mother of us All or in One Mother God who is the expression of the Divine Feminine and known by the name BABALON. She is the passive, lunar, receptive, transformative force that made the space for our existence in her womb and who, like Nuit, knows and loves us in every form we take.

I believe in our Mother Earth as she is the foundation upon which we build our temples, and is the one who embraces us even in death.

I believe in the Mother of Abominations, for we have all thought ourselves impure and unworthy, but she warmly receives us in our rough and imperfect state and wipes the tears from our faces. She reminds us there is no need for sadness, and that she will rejoice with us as we transform ourselves through an understanding of whatever ordeal is at hand.

BAPHOMET

I believe in the Serpent and the Lion, The Union of Nuit and Hadit, The Union of The Divine Feminine and Masculine, The Union of the Sun and the Universe, The Union of the Macrocosm and The Microcosm, The Solar Force in Balance, symbolically represented by the circumpunct and known by the name BAPHOMET.

The infamous image of Baphomet bears the word "Solve" on the forearm pointing up and "Coagula" on the forearm pointing down. These words speak to the power of and path to examining the union of seemingly opposing or discrete concepts.

I believe reality is as BAPHOMET reveals: As Above, So Below; As Within, So Without; As the Universe, So too the Soul.

The Gnostic Catholic Church

I do believe in the Gnostic Catholic Church because in it I have finally found my religious home. I find that its ceremonies and other relevant material DO affirm Light, Life, Love and Liberty. I am immensely gratified as a Thelemite to find a Church whose Law is Thelema.

The Communion of Saints

I believe that our lives are eternal and that the Saints (both of the EGC, and also those that we personally identify) do commune with us eternally. I view the saints a bit the way that some cultures view their ancestors - I think of them as my Brothers and Sisters, Aunts and Uncles, who have trod the path before me and who speak words of wisdom both through their published works and through less physical or material means. They are eternally present to be invoked or evoked to help us and rejoice with us in the accomplishment of the Great Work.

The Miracle of the Mass

As a former Christian, it had never occurred to me to think about the food and drink I eat as being transformed BY ME into spiritual substance by the act of taking in nourishment and using its energy to perform devotional or religious or spiritual practices.

I find Thelemic Communion at the Gnostic Mass to be a beautiful embodiment of this act.

One Baptism of Wisdom

I believe that each of us must initiate ourselves into a life where we value higher principles and value self examination and transformation. I believe that it is only through this self-initiation, or Baptism of Wisdom, that allows us to begin taking steps towards Knowledge and Conversation and to align our lives with our Will.

Eternal Life

I believe there is life after death. I believe that we are not meant to know what that adventure entails and that at physical death we will experience a sort of spiritual initiation into the next part of our path.